The Untitled Post

They say that “I’m fine,” is the most common lie spoken, and I couldn’t agree more.  I couldn’t even guess how many times I’ve given that response over the past two months, but I guarantee ever time I was lying.  Partly because, two months and three days ago, my youngest sister passed away suddenly…without cause or reason.  I was away at school when I got the call at 11:00 on that Friday…never had I ever felt so helpless in my life.  I can recall every detail of that afternoon…but I wish it would all fade away.  It was homecoming week, but I left just a few hours after the call.  The home I arrived to that evening, just wasn’t home anymore.

I have never felt so torn in my life.  When I finally returned to campus two-weeks later, I wanted nothing more than to go home…but when I did, it didn’t feel like home–she wasn’t there to be the first one to welcome me with her bright smile.  All I could think of, was that she was [and this is kinda of morbid, I apologize] buried in the cold ground a few miles away.  It wasn’t fair, God took her and didn’t tell me why.  I wanted an answer.  But eight months prior, I had begun a new journey in my faith…a journey that would help me to heal.

Although I didn’t have an earthly answer as to why she left us, I just know that God has it all planned out…but it hurts knowing she isn’t a part of it.  But that’s all I need to know, God’s got this!

But being Christmas Eve, I can’t lie.  I am not fine.  I miss her.  All I want this year for Christmas is her.  That’s it…no iPad or TV or handbag…just her.  But, I know that that wont happen…because she is spending Christmas with Jesus this year.  I know she is wrapped in His arms, right where she’s always wanted to be.  It hurts so bad.  To want something that you cannot have…gut-wrentching to say the least.

Anyway, I know I am not the only one out there who is celebrating the holidays for the first time without a loved one.  So, I want to share a poem:

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven’s stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But earthly music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it’s beyond description
To hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
Trust God and have no fear
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face?

May God uplift your spirit
As I tell Him of your love
Then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirits sing
For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven
And I’m walking with the king!

HOW COOL IS THAT?  They are spending Christmas with the birthday boy Himself!  It must be amazing…I can’t even imaging.

I will be honest and say that I have never felt more selfish in my entire life.  Ever.  Wanting Kailey to be here with me compared to Heaven…is just so selfish.  It has been a major struggle.  But, I have a new tattoo and favorite Bible verse that I live by:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (MSG)

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.

So, moral of the story: this Christmas, I have a new angel in the skies.  She is always with me.  I think of her every day.  I love her more than life itself and will never forget her kind, gentle nature…the way she could light up the room with her crooked smile or her little giggle.  I will miss her screams of joy on Christmas morning when she get something that was on her list.  I will miss the way she would ask me to help her open her presents that seemed to be tapped a little too much.  I will miss her asking what I got or offering to share her stocking candy with me.  I will miss her.  Boy oh boy will I.  This might be hard, but like the poem said,

“I know how much you miss me,
Trust God and have no fear.

For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.”

I am not sure how to end this…well, this is awkward.




One thought on “The Untitled Post

  1. Thanks for sharing ur heart Kim, its very brave. And yes there were tears, but that’s ok cuz this is raw stuff u r dealing with that most of us don’t know how to help with. Glad to know that Jesus is there every step of the way. Hope u had a good Christmas. Luv and prayers.

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